Well, I just remembered that I started this ages ago. How time makes fools of us all!! I am in a different, albeit, similar life. And I'm dating Star Sapphire. After my inability to commit, do or say anything worthwhile, generally shitty ghosting behavior, he moved on and we barely spoke for about a year, year and a half. When we did start again, it was under the mutual understanding that the ship had sailed, so to speak, and we were really just friends. He was in a bad spot in the relationship he was in, I had agreed to give it another go with Slate and it was not going well. We hung out for months, just really getting our footing again with each other. Honestly, I had really missed him but I knew that I ultimately wasn't prepared to be with anyone, at least not on the timeline he had kinda set out when he said he wanted something more from me. But, this time, something had shifted. So, we were just enjoying each others company, his relationship ending in a very, very bad way, mine not even getting off the ground and suddenly, as I looked at him across the table one evening, I realized all those butterflies that I was worried were never there had shown up, and been there for awhile now. So I just spontaneously said to him, "That conversation? I'm ready to have it now." Cut forward three years and we are still here. :) Now, the road hasn't been that simple and straightforward, but we are here nonetheless. Now, Star Sapphire, having gone through the absolutely awful break up that he did, was sort of in the same boat I had been when I first started writing this. Ready to date (ie. maybe sleep with someone on a strictly "no commitment" level) but definitely not in the market for anything permanent. I can't ever be sure if it's more of a testament to him being magnanimous or to me being a "catch" that caused him to agree to have that conversation, let alone give it a try. Now, this is why I say the road has not been straightforward... it's been a combination of smooth and rocky. We have these months, many at a stretch, where everything is fine. Then, it has a moment of wobble, as every relationship does, and it just seems to magnify until it's in full crisis and we are in a practically full hostage situation, trying to figure out if we pull the trigger and eliminate the threat or continue to try to talk our way out of it. The last time got so bad that I sought a counselor. Now, we have backed away from the proverbial edge, but I'm questioning why it gets this way and what can be done to keep it from happening in the future. Don't get me wrong, the stress stops me from eating and it was sure effective at shedding any holiday weight that may have accrued but I'd rather we didn't get nuclear and I just hit the gym instead. That being said, he's still the person I want to be with. He's just as good on paper than ever. ;) Now, I've realized that that statement can be taken the wrong way. And what I mean and meant by it is simply that he checks a lot of boxes for me. My biggest complaint, beyond the occasional chaos, is that he's not a big reader. Other than that, I don't think I could've customized someone better if I tried.
Now, Slate.... what to say about that.... he and I are in a weird place. We talk, over text for the most part, and I'm not sure what to think about our situation. When I started seeing Star Sapphire, I had wanted to sit him down and talk to him about it. Problem was, he wasn't sober most of the time and wasn't willing to speak to me when he wasn't drinking. I felt quite trapped. I was seeing Star Sapphire, who was well aware that I wanted to tell Slate myself before we really made it an official "thing", not because I was waiting on permission mind you, this was just a respect thing. I never really got the chance. Slate had, and had for years mind you, a key to my house. I received a text one day, while I was over at Star Sapphire's place, asking me about condoms in the garbage can. The one in my house, in my bathroom. I had to ask him why he was there, why he was going through my trash and then tell him, in that kinda shotgun fashion, that I was seeing Star Sapphire, who Slate had met before a few times. Slate lost it on me. I guess by agreeing to "see where it might go" if I opened up the possibility of "us" again, I had all but committed myself to him and this was cheating. Since I had only seen him sober once in almost three months (him, not me, I was sober every time) I had thought that he wasn't interested, most especially because he'd usually get plastered and show up, using aforementioned key, to berate me and tell me that he didn't have any interest in seeing me anymore. Now, I gather now that this was a cry for attention, but it was mostly demoralizing and upsetting to me and made me think that we weren't a thing anyways. How many times must one be "broken up with" to assume that you are, in fact, single? So, I felt pretty free to date other people, including Star Sapphire, in the midst of this. I guess I was not? Anyways, he demanded I come over to my own place to talk to him about it (something I had been trying to do for weeks by this point) but I put my foot down and said no as I was pretty done dancing at the end of someone else's string at this point. He took the few items that had ended up at my place that were his and refused contact with me for almost a year. He still maintains that I cheated on him and I have told him that I don't agree and I offered to sit down with him to discuss it if he wanted to know what happened from my side, which he has not wanted to do. So, we don't talk about it. So, we talk, mostly over text, avoiding the tough conversations. Star Sapphire is actually very supportive of me being friends with Slate, should he actually want to attempt it, but I'm a bit more wary.
Now, Smoky Quartz and Labradorite... Funny stories there. They are both married now, after having gotten some random girl pregnant (one, a fat divorcee, his speciality, and the other, a girl that he described to me as being a disappointment because she just wasn't that smart)... happened at almost the same time, which I actually found kinda funny in it's way. So, I don't speak to either of them anymore, but we still see each other over social media as no one has gone so far as to block anyone. Honestly, they both seem content (or so they try to appear over social media.. well, maybe that's a stretch as they don't post but they are constantly tagged by these ladies they have ended up with) and I don't really think about them much at all.
Fluorite... That's a bit of a story. She and I had been involved in a very casual way. We weren't exclusive and she decided to go on a date with someone that I had a very casual familiarity with (as in, could pick out of a line up but can't think of a single conversation I ever had with him one on one) and ended up going on a family vacation with him and his family and coming back pregnant. In only a couple of weeks. Which she told me when she came back while also telling me that she had to clean the toxic people out of her life... which I guess I was one of them. Big talk for a girl that was telling me she loved me only a month previous. I honestly think it was less about toxicity and more about getting rid of anyone that would be able to contradict the "WASP-y" type persona she was trying to adopt. Her words to me, upon telling me that she was pregnant, were, "I know but it's fine. His family is really rich." Well, not the girl I thought she was, that is for sure. I honestly she had more integrity than that, so it was bittersweet that she just fell out of my life. I also see her on social media, but she mostly just shares recipes and doesn't tag her "husband" at all. It really does make you wonder how much you can read into people's relationships based on their social media habits. Star Sapphire also thinks I should reach out to her, but I just don't think he understands how upsetting that whole thing was for me. It wasn't just about the rejection, it was about the betrayal of it. By all means, tell me you don't want to see me anymore, but don't lie to me about why. Again, to me it just becomes a question of integrity and I guess there's just nothing else to do about it.
Apatite. I don't speak to him anymore and that's fine. Really, nothing much to say about it. Sometimes things just don't work out. :)
That's it. Well, I guess an honorable mention to the guy that came into my work but was getting married... let's call him Fossil. He ended up getting divorced (I know, I'm just as shocked as you) and moved away. He still comes into the city from time to time, and he takes me out to dinner sometimes. I've made very clear that I'm with someone deeply special to me but I think he's possibly waiting for the time when I tell him I'm single. Other than that, I also see his posts on social media from time to time and as far as I can tell, he's still single. I don't really seek anybody out so all this information is heavily qualified as being speculative on my part.
For the most part, I'm without drama. Which is nice. Not that I can't see it lurking at the edges but maybe I'll have to get into that another day.
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