Well, I started writing this not long ago here, but everything has already changed. This is what I mean by tumultuous!
I found out that I did not get into my program, which is a bummer and has got me feeling sad for myself for sure. :(
I started a job as a purveyor of alcoholic beverages, which is fun and very different from my previous career in an office. It isn't nearly as challenging but it suits me well at the moment, in fact, many of my new coworkers have commented about how happy I am in general. It has also brought about some interesting situations.... one of which found me on one of those spontaneous dates that isn't a date yet is. I had a guy sitting at my bar for much of the day. Definitely flirting with me, I was good with it cause he was cute and had a brain, if not an interest in the same things. We chatted and he ended up sticking around to hang out with me when I was done. I sat with him, had drinks, it was going well. He invited me to go with him to a different bar (one more low key and containing pool tables) and I went. We played some pool, I lost terribly because I have no skill at pool and he used to play it in some league, he's still very much flirting and I'm flirting back. So, he kisses me and that's fun and we're just being casual and chatting when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that I'm getting married on the 31st." Cue screeching tire noise cause that is pretty much what went through my head right then. I told him that nothing, and I mean nothing was going to happen with me and then proceeded to have a conversation with him about what he was doing and why it was wrong. (Short version, he is unhappy and doesn't think he's ready to get married.) I told him that he needs to deal with that in the relationship, that anything resembling cheating is the last thing that will help that issue and that he needed to go home. I sent him home with his fiancee, who came to pick him up.... heavens knows what she was thinking, the poor thing, and I went home in a cab. I was quite mad about it for a few days. Do I give off a whore vibe? In the cab on the way home, I phoned Slate to ask him that very question (albeit, more drunkenly and slightly less coherently... he assures me that I don't. Lovely man that he is, he came to my house to sit with me and babysit my pity party.). It's one thing to lower your own morals, but it's quite another to drag me down with you. I told the people at work, who obviously had seen what was going on when we were still there, about it and said that I got the impression that he'd come back in to talk to me again. Sure enough, on a day when I was not in, he came in to ask for me. That was last week and I'm sort of expecting to see him at some point in the next couple days. I'm not sure what to hope for there. An apology? An explanation? I'm not even sure what could make it feel less icky. So, in the midst of all this stuff going on, I haven't seen too much of Star Sapphire. I ran into him when he was going home from work and we had pizza one night, but any other plans just haven't come together. So, I tried to make plans. I asked him yesterday if he had plans on Saturday. Somehow, the conversation turned into a discussion on hurt feelings and it happened. He told me that he wants something more from me. I mean, I know I said it was probably coming, but I didn't know when, and I certainly didn't think it would come about after not seeing him much. I told him that I needed time to think about it. I have been thinking about it, but it has been mental tail chasing cause I am no further today than I was yesterday.
Sometimes, I make jokes about my life with myself. I figure, if I can't laugh about it, what am I doing with my life and how do fix it? I'm a black humour, whistling-in-the-graveyard type... one that makes jokes at times both appropriate and wildly not. I realized that the majority of my relationships began in April, May or June. Am I cuter then? More winsome? Look better in less clothes? ;) Who knows.... But this year has promised to be as much drama as the last couple. I've been single for just over three years now, not counting the short lived two that only lasted a few months each. When Slate and I split, it was like all these people came out of the woodwork. I guess, since I had been with him for quite awhile, this is now the opportunity for the people that had an interest to pursue. But I've reached a point in my life where I don't know what I want anymore. Before, I had enough of an idea to say what I didn't want... but the two of them, Labradorite and Smoky Quartz, something in those two relationships made me lose that. I used to be very much against marriage, but then again, maybe it's like cannibalism. You think you know how you'd react if put in the situation that called for it, but you just don't know until it's right there in front of you. It was a hot topic in both of those relationships, as well as the whole "kids" thing. I guess I'm getting into that age range where we need to address these things, but I had never had so many discussions in such a short period of time on one topic. As much as I don't know that I want those things, I've softened enough now that I don't know that I don't either. I guess, what I like about it, is the idea that someone else would actually care about me enough to ask me to marry them, despite my lack of interest in it. I am committed in my heart and head, no shiny carbon, tulle covered gown, or official paper is required. But, as much as I don't know if I'll go to the party, it's just nice to be invited. But, the "kids" thing..... that is something that truly bears contemplation. Men can make fun of it, but they have decades to walk down that particular road. Us ladies, we only have a relatively small window and it's a big thing to consider. I don't know what I think about it. This much I know, Star Sapphire is against having kids. So, if that is what I want, is it something that should come into play when thinking about a relationship with him? If you know that the path you're looking at goes somewhere you don't want it to, is it a waste of time to wander on it?
Oh gosh, I am too tired to go around this again. Night, I'm off to bed here. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?
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