Introduction

Alright. Where do I start? Well, I'm a woman, past her mid-twenties, at a point in her life where everything suddenly seems questionable. I hesitate to call it a mid-life crisis (that would imply that I'm mid-life, after all!) but it must be something akin to it. I am single, I am looking at going back to school, and I'm currently unemployed. As I'm sure, from that snippet, you can gather... my life is in a state of uncertainty. I'm telling myself that it's simply full of potential, but I'm doing that as a way of whistling in the dark right now. Truth is, I feel like everything is being held together by thread and spit and it has been the cause of many sleepless nights. Not to say that it's all that bad... let's break it down at this point in time.

Job: To be honest, I'm trying to find something that I can do that I can leave at my place of work, without dragging it home everyday, that has the possibility of being temporary, based on the next item in this list. Don't seem to be getting a lot of call backs from all the resumes I've put out.... trying not to take it personally, but it certainly feels like passive rejection.

School: I have applied, I am waiting for word of acceptance (trying to remain optimistic, but that's something of an unnatural state for me to maintain) and so I might be restarting in the fall.

Dating: Oy vey, dating. Umm, complicated. I suppose I should be happy or flattered that I have people interested in me. In one way I am, to be sure. But in another huge way, I am exhausted by it and think that it's much ado about nothing. I don't think I'm all that much to write home about. I like me, I think I'm reasonably cute, I just don't feel most of the time that I'm that special. I mean, I try (don't we all, really?) but I just don't know if I would pursue me if I met myself at a bookstore or something. I do find that, depending on the day, I have a certain winsome quality about myself, but it's not consistent at all! And I have this horrible habit of getting weirdly defensive the first time people try to act familiar with me. So, if you ever find yourself on a third date with me, don't be surprised if I seem a bit terse. It's really not you, it's my crazy way to vet people, to figure out if they actually want to get to know me or just want in my pants. I prefer to move sloooowly, don't go acting like we're all hot and heavy when I'm barely comfortable having you in my bubble. I'm guessing this comes from my dating history since I'm something of a serial monogamist and I prefer long relationships. Anything that doesn't even make it past a year barely counts in my book. In fact, I've been single for the longest time since my teens recently, which is sort of nice to experience and also makes me feel like maybe it's just that I'm getting intolerable to be around, or something else that's paranoid sounding. ;) It's true though, I didn't realize how much I had built on that base until it wasn't there anymore. It's not there by choice, mind you. My exes have expressed the interest in rekindling what we had... and I do intend that plurally. I suppose it must be a testament of a sort that every one I've dated for at least a few months has come back at some point to tell me that they would like to start up again. It is somewhat mitigated, however, by the fact that everyone of them was the one to break it off. I must look better in the rearview mirror! Actually, I have some lovely friends, and even a couple of the aforementioned exes, that tell me that the reason is that I am "marriage material", and sometimes people don't know how to handle that, then panic and run. I don't know, but I like to hope that's what it is. I mean, aren't I well into that age when people are doing that "marriage/kids" stuff? So, do I just have a lightening rod quality for commitment-phobes? Opposites attracting? Ha! I don't know, but you should probably never come back to read this blog again if you don't want to hear musings on dating... especially since it's about the most exciting (read: more interesting than talking about the weather and daytime TV) I've got going on.

So, why am I doing this? Well, aside from having the time to do this right now, I realized that I wanted a place to go to force honest introspection. I'm choosing to do that by imagining a group of people looking at this, looking at me, looking through me... somehow, they know if I'm trying to dress this up to be something it's not. I mean, we, everyone, is their own protagonist. I won't deny that I tend to give myself the benefit of the doubt, but I try not to. I feel like everyone is becoming less personally accountable, me included, and I need to remind myself often that I am not a nice person all the time. You know the saying, "be the change you want to see in the world"? Well, this is an attempt to do that. I named this "One Open Book" because I am just one, and I want to be brutally honest, even if it paints me in a bad light. I'd rather be an ugly, real person than a beautiful facade any day.

Then again, maybe I just want something to do while I paint my nails. You decide.