Well, I just remembered that I started this ages ago. How time makes fools of us all!! I am in a different, albeit, similar life. And I'm dating Star Sapphire. After my inability to commit, do or say anything worthwhile, generally shitty ghosting behavior, he moved on and we barely spoke for about a year, year and a half. When we did start again, it was under the mutual understanding that the ship had sailed, so to speak, and we were really just friends. He was in a bad spot in the relationship he was in, I had agreed to give it another go with Slate and it was not going well. We hung out for months, just really getting our footing again with each other. Honestly, I had really missed him but I knew that I ultimately wasn't prepared to be with anyone, at least not on the timeline he had kinda set out when he said he wanted something more from me. But, this time, something had shifted. So, we were just enjoying each others company, his relationship ending in a very, very bad way, mine not even getting off the ground and suddenly, as I looked at him across the table one evening, I realized all those butterflies that I was worried were never there had shown up, and been there for awhile now. So I just spontaneously said to him, "That conversation? I'm ready to have it now." Cut forward three years and we are still here. :) Now, the road hasn't been that simple and straightforward, but we are here nonetheless. Now, Star Sapphire, having gone through the absolutely awful break up that he did, was sort of in the same boat I had been when I first started writing this. Ready to date (ie. maybe sleep with someone on a strictly "no commitment" level) but definitely not in the market for anything permanent. I can't ever be sure if it's more of a testament to him being magnanimous or to me being a "catch" that caused him to agree to have that conversation, let alone give it a try. Now, this is why I say the road has not been straightforward... it's been a combination of smooth and rocky. We have these months, many at a stretch, where everything is fine. Then, it has a moment of wobble, as every relationship does, and it just seems to magnify until it's in full crisis and we are in a practically full hostage situation, trying to figure out if we pull the trigger and eliminate the threat or continue to try to talk our way out of it. The last time got so bad that I sought a counselor. Now, we have backed away from the proverbial edge, but I'm questioning why it gets this way and what can be done to keep it from happening in the future. Don't get me wrong, the stress stops me from eating and it was sure effective at shedding any holiday weight that may have accrued but I'd rather we didn't get nuclear and I just hit the gym instead. That being said, he's still the person I want to be with. He's just as good on paper than ever. ;) Now, I've realized that that statement can be taken the wrong way. And what I mean and meant by it is simply that he checks a lot of boxes for me. My biggest complaint, beyond the occasional chaos, is that he's not a big reader. Other than that, I don't think I could've customized someone better if I tried.
Now, Slate.... what to say about that.... he and I are in a weird place. We talk, over text for the most part, and I'm not sure what to think about our situation. When I started seeing Star Sapphire, I had wanted to sit him down and talk to him about it. Problem was, he wasn't sober most of the time and wasn't willing to speak to me when he wasn't drinking. I felt quite trapped. I was seeing Star Sapphire, who was well aware that I wanted to tell Slate myself before we really made it an official "thing", not because I was waiting on permission mind you, this was just a respect thing. I never really got the chance. Slate had, and had for years mind you, a key to my house. I received a text one day, while I was over at Star Sapphire's place, asking me about condoms in the garbage can. The one in my house, in my bathroom. I had to ask him why he was there, why he was going through my trash and then tell him, in that kinda shotgun fashion, that I was seeing Star Sapphire, who Slate had met before a few times. Slate lost it on me. I guess by agreeing to "see where it might go" if I opened up the possibility of "us" again, I had all but committed myself to him and this was cheating. Since I had only seen him sober once in almost three months (him, not me, I was sober every time) I had thought that he wasn't interested, most especially because he'd usually get plastered and show up, using aforementioned key, to berate me and tell me that he didn't have any interest in seeing me anymore. Now, I gather now that this was a cry for attention, but it was mostly demoralizing and upsetting to me and made me think that we weren't a thing anyways. How many times must one be "broken up with" to assume that you are, in fact, single? So, I felt pretty free to date other people, including Star Sapphire, in the midst of this. I guess I was not? Anyways, he demanded I come over to my own place to talk to him about it (something I had been trying to do for weeks by this point) but I put my foot down and said no as I was pretty done dancing at the end of someone else's string at this point. He took the few items that had ended up at my place that were his and refused contact with me for almost a year. He still maintains that I cheated on him and I have told him that I don't agree and I offered to sit down with him to discuss it if he wanted to know what happened from my side, which he has not wanted to do. So, we don't talk about it. So, we talk, mostly over text, avoiding the tough conversations. Star Sapphire is actually very supportive of me being friends with Slate, should he actually want to attempt it, but I'm a bit more wary.
Now, Smoky Quartz and Labradorite... Funny stories there. They are both married now, after having gotten some random girl pregnant (one, a fat divorcee, his speciality, and the other, a girl that he described to me as being a disappointment because she just wasn't that smart)... happened at almost the same time, which I actually found kinda funny in it's way. So, I don't speak to either of them anymore, but we still see each other over social media as no one has gone so far as to block anyone. Honestly, they both seem content (or so they try to appear over social media.. well, maybe that's a stretch as they don't post but they are constantly tagged by these ladies they have ended up with) and I don't really think about them much at all.
Fluorite... That's a bit of a story. She and I had been involved in a very casual way. We weren't exclusive and she decided to go on a date with someone that I had a very casual familiarity with (as in, could pick out of a line up but can't think of a single conversation I ever had with him one on one) and ended up going on a family vacation with him and his family and coming back pregnant. In only a couple of weeks. Which she told me when she came back while also telling me that she had to clean the toxic people out of her life... which I guess I was one of them. Big talk for a girl that was telling me she loved me only a month previous. I honestly think it was less about toxicity and more about getting rid of anyone that would be able to contradict the "WASP-y" type persona she was trying to adopt. Her words to me, upon telling me that she was pregnant, were, "I know but it's fine. His family is really rich." Well, not the girl I thought she was, that is for sure. I honestly she had more integrity than that, so it was bittersweet that she just fell out of my life. I also see her on social media, but she mostly just shares recipes and doesn't tag her "husband" at all. It really does make you wonder how much you can read into people's relationships based on their social media habits. Star Sapphire also thinks I should reach out to her, but I just don't think he understands how upsetting that whole thing was for me. It wasn't just about the rejection, it was about the betrayal of it. By all means, tell me you don't want to see me anymore, but don't lie to me about why. Again, to me it just becomes a question of integrity and I guess there's just nothing else to do about it.
Apatite. I don't speak to him anymore and that's fine. Really, nothing much to say about it. Sometimes things just don't work out. :)
That's it. Well, I guess an honorable mention to the guy that came into my work but was getting married... let's call him Fossil. He ended up getting divorced (I know, I'm just as shocked as you) and moved away. He still comes into the city from time to time, and he takes me out to dinner sometimes. I've made very clear that I'm with someone deeply special to me but I think he's possibly waiting for the time when I tell him I'm single. Other than that, I also see his posts on social media from time to time and as far as I can tell, he's still single. I don't really seek anybody out so all this information is heavily qualified as being speculative on my part.
For the most part, I'm without drama. Which is nice. Not that I can't see it lurking at the edges but maybe I'll have to get into that another day.
Friday, 8 March 2019
Tuesday, 27 May 2014
It only takes a day or two to change the game...
Well, I was right. He came back the very next day. He did apologize, we talked more about what is going on with him and he's texted since to invite me out. Am I still wrong that these are wildly mixed messages? I mean, I get that he needs a counsellor more than a hookup, but I'm not sure he gets that. And is it weird that I'm still a bit perturbed about it, yet flattered that he still wants to talk to me? Well, probably, but that's life. If we were all simple, what would we write about? ;)
More to the recent point; I have been having dreams about my exes lately. It has sort of (and by "sort of", I mean it has) caused me to text them in the last week. So, now I have tentative plans for Saturday with Labradorite. I mean, I have the plans, but it's up in the air whether he'll show up or not, even though he suggested doing something, not me, and picked the day. I remember one day, when we were actually dating, that he phoned to tell me that he'd come pick me up in two hours and just never showed up. I am one of those girls that only takes around fifteen to twenty minutes to get ready for an evening (which is twice my normal morning routine!) and I actually tried to get all done up. Nothing is quite so humiliating as getting all dolled up and stood up. It, tragically, is quite the pattern with him. But, I have plans with him regardless. However, Smoky Quartz asked me today what I was doing on Saturday and I told him I might have plans. So, perhaps this "ex-parade" will get started no matter what. I guess a part of me sort of reads into the dreams as meaning something, but I can't think of what. Besides, the content of the dreams themselves are probably indicative of something as well. In the one with Labradorite, we were just hanging out, puffing on one of those e-cigarette things and chatting. Very casual and grape flavoured. In the one with Smoky Quartz, we were trying to make plans to hang out in a large group. We were together, that much I recall, as he had this girl hanging all over him and when I tried to talk to him about it, he told me that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it at all.... much like real life when he disregarded my concerns. Now, if I was so inclined to read into these things, which I clearly feel like doing today, should I take the Smoky Quartz one to mean that I can't trust him or is it just a recollection of how I felt when we did date? And what does that mean for the one with Labradorite? It was comfortable and fun. I'm not sure if I should hope that he doesn't show up or that he does. If he does, we'll see where the day takes this. If he doesn't, I'll see where the day goes with Smoky Quartz. Ugh, this is the most stressful coin flip-like situation I've been in lately. And don't even get me started on Star Sapphire... I haven't been able to wrap my head around that situation yet either. I think I'm just worrying about the lack of butterflies that I feel over it. But, I can't tell if that is because I just stopped that long ago, when we first started hanging out, or if it's genuine "blah". All I do know is that I am more concerned with Saturday at the moment, and partially because I hope it might help clarify things for me. Ha ha, that's probably a pipe dream in itself though! My luck, it will only serve to further complicate. Oh well, sometimes you have to cross the line to know it's there.
More to the recent point; I have been having dreams about my exes lately. It has sort of (and by "sort of", I mean it has) caused me to text them in the last week. So, now I have tentative plans for Saturday with Labradorite. I mean, I have the plans, but it's up in the air whether he'll show up or not, even though he suggested doing something, not me, and picked the day. I remember one day, when we were actually dating, that he phoned to tell me that he'd come pick me up in two hours and just never showed up. I am one of those girls that only takes around fifteen to twenty minutes to get ready for an evening (which is twice my normal morning routine!) and I actually tried to get all done up. Nothing is quite so humiliating as getting all dolled up and stood up. It, tragically, is quite the pattern with him. But, I have plans with him regardless. However, Smoky Quartz asked me today what I was doing on Saturday and I told him I might have plans. So, perhaps this "ex-parade" will get started no matter what. I guess a part of me sort of reads into the dreams as meaning something, but I can't think of what. Besides, the content of the dreams themselves are probably indicative of something as well. In the one with Labradorite, we were just hanging out, puffing on one of those e-cigarette things and chatting. Very casual and grape flavoured. In the one with Smoky Quartz, we were trying to make plans to hang out in a large group. We were together, that much I recall, as he had this girl hanging all over him and when I tried to talk to him about it, he told me that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it at all.... much like real life when he disregarded my concerns. Now, if I was so inclined to read into these things, which I clearly feel like doing today, should I take the Smoky Quartz one to mean that I can't trust him or is it just a recollection of how I felt when we did date? And what does that mean for the one with Labradorite? It was comfortable and fun. I'm not sure if I should hope that he doesn't show up or that he does. If he does, we'll see where the day takes this. If he doesn't, I'll see where the day goes with Smoky Quartz. Ugh, this is the most stressful coin flip-like situation I've been in lately. And don't even get me started on Star Sapphire... I haven't been able to wrap my head around that situation yet either. I think I'm just worrying about the lack of butterflies that I feel over it. But, I can't tell if that is because I just stopped that long ago, when we first started hanging out, or if it's genuine "blah". All I do know is that I am more concerned with Saturday at the moment, and partially because I hope it might help clarify things for me. Ha ha, that's probably a pipe dream in itself though! My luck, it will only serve to further complicate. Oh well, sometimes you have to cross the line to know it's there.
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
An unusual turn of events
Well, I started writing this not long ago here, but everything has already changed. This is what I mean by tumultuous!
I found out that I did not get into my program, which is a bummer and has got me feeling sad for myself for sure. :(
I started a job as a purveyor of alcoholic beverages, which is fun and very different from my previous career in an office. It isn't nearly as challenging but it suits me well at the moment, in fact, many of my new coworkers have commented about how happy I am in general. It has also brought about some interesting situations.... one of which found me on one of those spontaneous dates that isn't a date yet is. I had a guy sitting at my bar for much of the day. Definitely flirting with me, I was good with it cause he was cute and had a brain, if not an interest in the same things. We chatted and he ended up sticking around to hang out with me when I was done. I sat with him, had drinks, it was going well. He invited me to go with him to a different bar (one more low key and containing pool tables) and I went. We played some pool, I lost terribly because I have no skill at pool and he used to play it in some league, he's still very much flirting and I'm flirting back. So, he kisses me and that's fun and we're just being casual and chatting when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that I'm getting married on the 31st." Cue screeching tire noise cause that is pretty much what went through my head right then. I told him that nothing, and I mean nothing was going to happen with me and then proceeded to have a conversation with him about what he was doing and why it was wrong. (Short version, he is unhappy and doesn't think he's ready to get married.) I told him that he needs to deal with that in the relationship, that anything resembling cheating is the last thing that will help that issue and that he needed to go home. I sent him home with his fiancee, who came to pick him up.... heavens knows what she was thinking, the poor thing, and I went home in a cab. I was quite mad about it for a few days. Do I give off a whore vibe? In the cab on the way home, I phoned Slate to ask him that very question (albeit, more drunkenly and slightly less coherently... he assures me that I don't. Lovely man that he is, he came to my house to sit with me and babysit my pity party.). It's one thing to lower your own morals, but it's quite another to drag me down with you. I told the people at work, who obviously had seen what was going on when we were still there, about it and said that I got the impression that he'd come back in to talk to me again. Sure enough, on a day when I was not in, he came in to ask for me. That was last week and I'm sort of expecting to see him at some point in the next couple days. I'm not sure what to hope for there. An apology? An explanation? I'm not even sure what could make it feel less icky. So, in the midst of all this stuff going on, I haven't seen too much of Star Sapphire. I ran into him when he was going home from work and we had pizza one night, but any other plans just haven't come together. So, I tried to make plans. I asked him yesterday if he had plans on Saturday. Somehow, the conversation turned into a discussion on hurt feelings and it happened. He told me that he wants something more from me. I mean, I know I said it was probably coming, but I didn't know when, and I certainly didn't think it would come about after not seeing him much. I told him that I needed time to think about it. I have been thinking about it, but it has been mental tail chasing cause I am no further today than I was yesterday.
Sometimes, I make jokes about my life with myself. I figure, if I can't laugh about it, what am I doing with my life and how do fix it? I'm a black humour, whistling-in-the-graveyard type... one that makes jokes at times both appropriate and wildly not. I realized that the majority of my relationships began in April, May or June. Am I cuter then? More winsome? Look better in less clothes? ;) Who knows.... But this year has promised to be as much drama as the last couple. I've been single for just over three years now, not counting the short lived two that only lasted a few months each. When Slate and I split, it was like all these people came out of the woodwork. I guess, since I had been with him for quite awhile, this is now the opportunity for the people that had an interest to pursue. But I've reached a point in my life where I don't know what I want anymore. Before, I had enough of an idea to say what I didn't want... but the two of them, Labradorite and Smoky Quartz, something in those two relationships made me lose that. I used to be very much against marriage, but then again, maybe it's like cannibalism. You think you know how you'd react if put in the situation that called for it, but you just don't know until it's right there in front of you. It was a hot topic in both of those relationships, as well as the whole "kids" thing. I guess I'm getting into that age range where we need to address these things, but I had never had so many discussions in such a short period of time on one topic. As much as I don't know that I want those things, I've softened enough now that I don't know that I don't either. I guess, what I like about it, is the idea that someone else would actually care about me enough to ask me to marry them, despite my lack of interest in it. I am committed in my heart and head, no shiny carbon, tulle covered gown, or official paper is required. But, as much as I don't know if I'll go to the party, it's just nice to be invited. But, the "kids" thing..... that is something that truly bears contemplation. Men can make fun of it, but they have decades to walk down that particular road. Us ladies, we only have a relatively small window and it's a big thing to consider. I don't know what I think about it. This much I know, Star Sapphire is against having kids. So, if that is what I want, is it something that should come into play when thinking about a relationship with him? If you know that the path you're looking at goes somewhere you don't want it to, is it a waste of time to wander on it?
Oh gosh, I am too tired to go around this again. Night, I'm off to bed here. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?
I found out that I did not get into my program, which is a bummer and has got me feeling sad for myself for sure. :(
I started a job as a purveyor of alcoholic beverages, which is fun and very different from my previous career in an office. It isn't nearly as challenging but it suits me well at the moment, in fact, many of my new coworkers have commented about how happy I am in general. It has also brought about some interesting situations.... one of which found me on one of those spontaneous dates that isn't a date yet is. I had a guy sitting at my bar for much of the day. Definitely flirting with me, I was good with it cause he was cute and had a brain, if not an interest in the same things. We chatted and he ended up sticking around to hang out with me when I was done. I sat with him, had drinks, it was going well. He invited me to go with him to a different bar (one more low key and containing pool tables) and I went. We played some pool, I lost terribly because I have no skill at pool and he used to play it in some league, he's still very much flirting and I'm flirting back. So, he kisses me and that's fun and we're just being casual and chatting when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that I'm getting married on the 31st." Cue screeching tire noise cause that is pretty much what went through my head right then. I told him that nothing, and I mean nothing was going to happen with me and then proceeded to have a conversation with him about what he was doing and why it was wrong. (Short version, he is unhappy and doesn't think he's ready to get married.) I told him that he needs to deal with that in the relationship, that anything resembling cheating is the last thing that will help that issue and that he needed to go home. I sent him home with his fiancee, who came to pick him up.... heavens knows what she was thinking, the poor thing, and I went home in a cab. I was quite mad about it for a few days. Do I give off a whore vibe? In the cab on the way home, I phoned Slate to ask him that very question (albeit, more drunkenly and slightly less coherently... he assures me that I don't. Lovely man that he is, he came to my house to sit with me and babysit my pity party.). It's one thing to lower your own morals, but it's quite another to drag me down with you. I told the people at work, who obviously had seen what was going on when we were still there, about it and said that I got the impression that he'd come back in to talk to me again. Sure enough, on a day when I was not in, he came in to ask for me. That was last week and I'm sort of expecting to see him at some point in the next couple days. I'm not sure what to hope for there. An apology? An explanation? I'm not even sure what could make it feel less icky. So, in the midst of all this stuff going on, I haven't seen too much of Star Sapphire. I ran into him when he was going home from work and we had pizza one night, but any other plans just haven't come together. So, I tried to make plans. I asked him yesterday if he had plans on Saturday. Somehow, the conversation turned into a discussion on hurt feelings and it happened. He told me that he wants something more from me. I mean, I know I said it was probably coming, but I didn't know when, and I certainly didn't think it would come about after not seeing him much. I told him that I needed time to think about it. I have been thinking about it, but it has been mental tail chasing cause I am no further today than I was yesterday.
Sometimes, I make jokes about my life with myself. I figure, if I can't laugh about it, what am I doing with my life and how do fix it? I'm a black humour, whistling-in-the-graveyard type... one that makes jokes at times both appropriate and wildly not. I realized that the majority of my relationships began in April, May or June. Am I cuter then? More winsome? Look better in less clothes? ;) Who knows.... But this year has promised to be as much drama as the last couple. I've been single for just over three years now, not counting the short lived two that only lasted a few months each. When Slate and I split, it was like all these people came out of the woodwork. I guess, since I had been with him for quite awhile, this is now the opportunity for the people that had an interest to pursue. But I've reached a point in my life where I don't know what I want anymore. Before, I had enough of an idea to say what I didn't want... but the two of them, Labradorite and Smoky Quartz, something in those two relationships made me lose that. I used to be very much against marriage, but then again, maybe it's like cannibalism. You think you know how you'd react if put in the situation that called for it, but you just don't know until it's right there in front of you. It was a hot topic in both of those relationships, as well as the whole "kids" thing. I guess I'm getting into that age range where we need to address these things, but I had never had so many discussions in such a short period of time on one topic. As much as I don't know that I want those things, I've softened enough now that I don't know that I don't either. I guess, what I like about it, is the idea that someone else would actually care about me enough to ask me to marry them, despite my lack of interest in it. I am committed in my heart and head, no shiny carbon, tulle covered gown, or official paper is required. But, as much as I don't know if I'll go to the party, it's just nice to be invited. But, the "kids" thing..... that is something that truly bears contemplation. Men can make fun of it, but they have decades to walk down that particular road. Us ladies, we only have a relatively small window and it's a big thing to consider. I don't know what I think about it. This much I know, Star Sapphire is against having kids. So, if that is what I want, is it something that should come into play when thinking about a relationship with him? If you know that the path you're looking at goes somewhere you don't want it to, is it a waste of time to wander on it?
Oh gosh, I am too tired to go around this again. Night, I'm off to bed here. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?
Tuesday, 22 April 2014
Dating/Sexual Biography
Well, I've realized that I have to come up with some pseudonyms for people. If I'm going to refer to days of dating past, I'll have to have names cause saying "him" over and over will obviously lead to confusion, for both me and everyone else. So, lets dig right in, shall we?
I've decided to go with rock and mineral inspired names as I'm a bit odd and I like to anthropomorphize things, and rocks always have seemed like they have personality to me.
Rose Quartz: My high school sweetheart. We dated for a number of years, ended very mutually and amicably. He has moved away and gotten married. Honestly, I only truly mention him to be complete, I'm extremely happy for him and don't think he has much bearing on my dating future, even if we still talk and he is aware of it.
Slate: He'll be mentioned a lot. Oh my, a lot. We dated for a significant portion of time, longer than many marriages I know of, we also split amicably and even lived together afterwards. He is one of my best friends and we hang out often. He has expressed interest in reconciling and, while I'm not opposed to the idea, we split, in part, because I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the relationship. We had different goals and different ideas of fun and while the schism was small, it was very much there. I am scared that, if we get back together, I would continue to have that same feeling and would start taking out my growing sense of ennui on him... which I would find personally unforgivable. He is one of the best people I know, for many reasons that I'm sure I'll eventually get more into, and I just feel like I'm a better friend than girlfriend right now. At least to him. I have so much more to say, but he really deserves an entire post, at least, to explain.
Labradorite: Probably a hard relationship to explain. We didn't date for long (one of those relationships that I would have a hard time counting as it was less than a year) but it was intense. He was just one of those people that I felt like I knew for ages, even though I'd only known him for a few months when he asked me out. The chemistry we had was and is unlike anything I've ever experienced and I've always felt I could be myself around him. Here's how he earned the name... if you've ever looked at a piece of labradorite, you'll see this blue shine at certain angles or in the right light amongst the grey striations of the normal rock. He is nicknamed as such because that's how I feel he is to me. Never outright cruel, but neglectful for sure, these flashes of brightness and these others of blah and confusion. We were great for months when he suddenly, and completely out of the blue, stopped talking to me. I spent a month in absolute torment... I mean, for all I knew, he had gotten hit by a car or something. I finally talked to him again, he didn't explain what had happened and I was too weirded out to ask and we hung out a couple of times rather successfully considering every day was like dating with an elephant in the room. One of these nights, we had gone to a barbecue and had a couple drinks when he, very casually, proposed. I laughed (which I later felt really guilty about) and said, "Sure, why not?" I, again, didn't talk to him for two weeks after that. In starting to truly realize this was what I could expect, I pretty much wrote him off at that point. When we hung out a few more times after that (again, not talking about yet another elephant in the room, which is probably why most of those were movie dates) he asked me to move in with him. At which point I told him that I felt that he was a coward and just plain delusional if he thought that I would ever consider that when I didn't even know what the hell I was supposed to be to him. We didn't talk for about a year. Recently, he called me up to talk to me, we went out and he told me to yell at him until I felt better, that he wanted to move forward and help dispel my (I hope, understandable) hostility towards him. I did, we had a really great talk, he told me that he had been in love with me, terrified of the commitment that it implied, and just ran. He told me he was still in love with me and that he was more prepared for having me in his life. I basically told him rather flatly that I didn't trust him as far as I could spit and if he was serious, then he had to start at square one and earn that back. If he didn't want to, I was fine either way. He is peripherally around still, but he does work out of town, so I do not see him often. Still not sure what to think about him.
Smoky Quartz: Where to start? We have known each other for many years, having met in elementary school. We went to junior high together, but I moved (same city, different area) and we didn't see each other for many years. We ran into each other one day. He saw me and approached me, kind of creeped me out because he knew my name and I didn't recognize him at all, and we started seeing each other. Yet another relationship that didn't last long but moved kind of fast because we had a lot of shared history. He gave me a key within a few months of dating and it was mostly good. We had a huge issue with the boundaries of platonic, opposite-sex relationships. I'm not a jealous person, and I know that I ask a lot considering I'm friends with pretty much all of my exes and that's a non-negotiable for anybody coming into my life. But he had a friend that very much crossed the line from "friend" to "emotional affair" and I often felt that I was the other woman, which is so wildly inappropriate in my books that I didn't even know how to broach the subject. When I did, it kind of blew up and it became something of a canker sore in our lives. It was always there, sometimes I touched on it without meaning to, and it just wouldn't heal. Quite frankly, added to it was that I am a "touchy" person with people I care about. Not an obnoxious "let's make out in this chair despite only having a small group together" but I definitely touch arms or even have been known to hold hands... gasp! He would jump back from me like I burned him whenever she was there, would sit with his arm around her and leave me on the opposite side of the table.... just an awful lot to contend with considering that I couldn't even talk about my lack of comfort in the situation without jabbing that same "canker sore". The situation, naturally, devolved and ended, though not by my hand. We spoke for a couple of months afterwards, but there were just too many hurt feelings. One of the strangest aspects was that I actually liked this other gal and we hung out both during all of the "drama" and after the relationship had ended. So, my issue was never with her as a person, just how he was around her. As has been slowly becoming my pattern, he contacted me almost a year down the road and we have been hanging out. He admitted acting inappropriately and apologized for not considering my feelings at all. He admitted that he had assumed that the issue was jealousy, not what I was actually saying... I guess assuming that I wouldn't bring up what was actually bothering me, which is funny because, with anything else, I was so blunt with him that he actually requested that I be more passive aggressive. Who does that???? Why he would think I wouldn't do the same in that situation is really his thing, but nonetheless, there is was. He tells me that he would like to start seeing me again, but I have told him that he broke my heart (which he absolutely did... I believe it was that I felt unfairly trapped and couldn't make him see why. It was probably the most one sided break-up I've ever gone through.) and that he would have to start rebuilding it if that's what he wanted. That was about a month ago, maybe month and a half. He has also gone back to school in the past couple years so he's just finishing his semester now and I'm not sure what the summer will bring.
Apatite: The most recent... err sort of. I'll get to that. Anyways, we dated for a couple months at the end of last year. It was going well, having fun and he kind of blew me off. I saw it coming, but it was still less than fun. We talk occasionally, but we started seeing each other after he had gone through a break up of a rather long relationship and he just wasn't ready to date. I'm fine with it, and things ended early enough that it wan't such a tragedy that it shut the door altogether. I don't know what might come of it and I don't even care to speculate right now.
Star Sapphire: Now, because I'm either an idiot or a sucker for drama or both, I started a very casual sexual relationship with someone that I had known for many years. We were never what I would refer to as good friends, more like acquaintances. We ran into each other, I was broken hearted still and he was suffering a loss of a different variety and it just happened. Now, it's been almost a year and I get the impression that he might be hinting at it turning into something more. He's good on paper, we get along and we do actually hang out as friends as well as engage in some extracurriculars here and there. So, why not? I just don't have that "butterflies" feeling that I would hope to have. I never really did. Where I felt/feel all excited and giddy about the actual boyfriends, I just don't here. I feel terrible, and I actually think that I'm probably keeping it from happening on some unconscious level. I feel that I'm mostly recovered from the heartbreak but there still is a reticence for starting a new relationship. I'm having an issue deciding if I want to even try. What if I do and nothing ever comes of it? It's completely unfair to him to say "yes" when I really mean "maybe?" so I tend to hold him at arms length. I've tried to explain that I just don't think I can emotionally commit, but it feels more like a delay than anything. I figure, until he actually brings it up and has that conversation with me, I don't have to make any decisions quite yet.
Fluorite: One last thing... cause I guess my life wasn't complicated enough for me yet. I have a friend that I have had some, err, interesting experiences with. She (wait, did I just say she?) and I have been friends for years, lost touch once, have come back into each others lives and very recently something happened. Now, I think most people are in university when they experiment with their sexuality, but I'm hoping to go back so no time like the present, no?;) I identify as being heterosexual but I, like many girls my age and younger, had a certain amount of curiosity. Having that experience, which I am grateful for, I can say that it's about the person, not their "bits". So, whatever that means I guess. I have always gotten along better with men than other women so perhaps my relative experiences are simply a reflection of that. But, we are still friends and it has happened more than once (which I would pass off as a aberration, but this has become something of a pattern) so I'm not too sure what to make of it. Funny enough, she too identifies as heterosexual. Slate and Star Sapphire, they both know about this but both Quartz's and Labradorite don't. I'm not a person that lies much in my day to day life (having long since established that I am truly awful at it) so it's just something that has come up with the people I talk to more. I assume that, if Smoky Quartz is true to his word and we see each other more when he's done school, he will know soon enough. Bear in mind, I have not said anything about it to titillate, though I'm sure it has that side effect, it was just more that I am friends with these people and I needed to sort it out in my own head and sometimes a sounding board is very helpful to that end. Star Sapphire and I have no expectation of monogamy as we are not in a relationship, so I felt comfortable talking to him about it.
Now, I have many other friends, but I'll have to come up with fanciful names for them as they come up. This is simply a "state of affairs" in my dating life, right now. It sounds all salacious when you put them all together, but this spans over a decade so I'm probably not as exciting as I seem! Of course, this is why I'm writing this... the past year has been oddly tumultuous. Well, we'll see what comes!
I've decided to go with rock and mineral inspired names as I'm a bit odd and I like to anthropomorphize things, and rocks always have seemed like they have personality to me.
Rose Quartz: My high school sweetheart. We dated for a number of years, ended very mutually and amicably. He has moved away and gotten married. Honestly, I only truly mention him to be complete, I'm extremely happy for him and don't think he has much bearing on my dating future, even if we still talk and he is aware of it.
Slate: He'll be mentioned a lot. Oh my, a lot. We dated for a significant portion of time, longer than many marriages I know of, we also split amicably and even lived together afterwards. He is one of my best friends and we hang out often. He has expressed interest in reconciling and, while I'm not opposed to the idea, we split, in part, because I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the relationship. We had different goals and different ideas of fun and while the schism was small, it was very much there. I am scared that, if we get back together, I would continue to have that same feeling and would start taking out my growing sense of ennui on him... which I would find personally unforgivable. He is one of the best people I know, for many reasons that I'm sure I'll eventually get more into, and I just feel like I'm a better friend than girlfriend right now. At least to him. I have so much more to say, but he really deserves an entire post, at least, to explain.
Labradorite: Probably a hard relationship to explain. We didn't date for long (one of those relationships that I would have a hard time counting as it was less than a year) but it was intense. He was just one of those people that I felt like I knew for ages, even though I'd only known him for a few months when he asked me out. The chemistry we had was and is unlike anything I've ever experienced and I've always felt I could be myself around him. Here's how he earned the name... if you've ever looked at a piece of labradorite, you'll see this blue shine at certain angles or in the right light amongst the grey striations of the normal rock. He is nicknamed as such because that's how I feel he is to me. Never outright cruel, but neglectful for sure, these flashes of brightness and these others of blah and confusion. We were great for months when he suddenly, and completely out of the blue, stopped talking to me. I spent a month in absolute torment... I mean, for all I knew, he had gotten hit by a car or something. I finally talked to him again, he didn't explain what had happened and I was too weirded out to ask and we hung out a couple of times rather successfully considering every day was like dating with an elephant in the room. One of these nights, we had gone to a barbecue and had a couple drinks when he, very casually, proposed. I laughed (which I later felt really guilty about) and said, "Sure, why not?" I, again, didn't talk to him for two weeks after that. In starting to truly realize this was what I could expect, I pretty much wrote him off at that point. When we hung out a few more times after that (again, not talking about yet another elephant in the room, which is probably why most of those were movie dates) he asked me to move in with him. At which point I told him that I felt that he was a coward and just plain delusional if he thought that I would ever consider that when I didn't even know what the hell I was supposed to be to him. We didn't talk for about a year. Recently, he called me up to talk to me, we went out and he told me to yell at him until I felt better, that he wanted to move forward and help dispel my (I hope, understandable) hostility towards him. I did, we had a really great talk, he told me that he had been in love with me, terrified of the commitment that it implied, and just ran. He told me he was still in love with me and that he was more prepared for having me in his life. I basically told him rather flatly that I didn't trust him as far as I could spit and if he was serious, then he had to start at square one and earn that back. If he didn't want to, I was fine either way. He is peripherally around still, but he does work out of town, so I do not see him often. Still not sure what to think about him.
Smoky Quartz: Where to start? We have known each other for many years, having met in elementary school. We went to junior high together, but I moved (same city, different area) and we didn't see each other for many years. We ran into each other one day. He saw me and approached me, kind of creeped me out because he knew my name and I didn't recognize him at all, and we started seeing each other. Yet another relationship that didn't last long but moved kind of fast because we had a lot of shared history. He gave me a key within a few months of dating and it was mostly good. We had a huge issue with the boundaries of platonic, opposite-sex relationships. I'm not a jealous person, and I know that I ask a lot considering I'm friends with pretty much all of my exes and that's a non-negotiable for anybody coming into my life. But he had a friend that very much crossed the line from "friend" to "emotional affair" and I often felt that I was the other woman, which is so wildly inappropriate in my books that I didn't even know how to broach the subject. When I did, it kind of blew up and it became something of a canker sore in our lives. It was always there, sometimes I touched on it without meaning to, and it just wouldn't heal. Quite frankly, added to it was that I am a "touchy" person with people I care about. Not an obnoxious "let's make out in this chair despite only having a small group together" but I definitely touch arms or even have been known to hold hands... gasp! He would jump back from me like I burned him whenever she was there, would sit with his arm around her and leave me on the opposite side of the table.... just an awful lot to contend with considering that I couldn't even talk about my lack of comfort in the situation without jabbing that same "canker sore". The situation, naturally, devolved and ended, though not by my hand. We spoke for a couple of months afterwards, but there were just too many hurt feelings. One of the strangest aspects was that I actually liked this other gal and we hung out both during all of the "drama" and after the relationship had ended. So, my issue was never with her as a person, just how he was around her. As has been slowly becoming my pattern, he contacted me almost a year down the road and we have been hanging out. He admitted acting inappropriately and apologized for not considering my feelings at all. He admitted that he had assumed that the issue was jealousy, not what I was actually saying... I guess assuming that I wouldn't bring up what was actually bothering me, which is funny because, with anything else, I was so blunt with him that he actually requested that I be more passive aggressive. Who does that???? Why he would think I wouldn't do the same in that situation is really his thing, but nonetheless, there is was. He tells me that he would like to start seeing me again, but I have told him that he broke my heart (which he absolutely did... I believe it was that I felt unfairly trapped and couldn't make him see why. It was probably the most one sided break-up I've ever gone through.) and that he would have to start rebuilding it if that's what he wanted. That was about a month ago, maybe month and a half. He has also gone back to school in the past couple years so he's just finishing his semester now and I'm not sure what the summer will bring.
Apatite: The most recent... err sort of. I'll get to that. Anyways, we dated for a couple months at the end of last year. It was going well, having fun and he kind of blew me off. I saw it coming, but it was still less than fun. We talk occasionally, but we started seeing each other after he had gone through a break up of a rather long relationship and he just wasn't ready to date. I'm fine with it, and things ended early enough that it wan't such a tragedy that it shut the door altogether. I don't know what might come of it and I don't even care to speculate right now.
Star Sapphire: Now, because I'm either an idiot or a sucker for drama or both, I started a very casual sexual relationship with someone that I had known for many years. We were never what I would refer to as good friends, more like acquaintances. We ran into each other, I was broken hearted still and he was suffering a loss of a different variety and it just happened. Now, it's been almost a year and I get the impression that he might be hinting at it turning into something more. He's good on paper, we get along and we do actually hang out as friends as well as engage in some extracurriculars here and there. So, why not? I just don't have that "butterflies" feeling that I would hope to have. I never really did. Where I felt/feel all excited and giddy about the actual boyfriends, I just don't here. I feel terrible, and I actually think that I'm probably keeping it from happening on some unconscious level. I feel that I'm mostly recovered from the heartbreak but there still is a reticence for starting a new relationship. I'm having an issue deciding if I want to even try. What if I do and nothing ever comes of it? It's completely unfair to him to say "yes" when I really mean "maybe?" so I tend to hold him at arms length. I've tried to explain that I just don't think I can emotionally commit, but it feels more like a delay than anything. I figure, until he actually brings it up and has that conversation with me, I don't have to make any decisions quite yet.
Fluorite: One last thing... cause I guess my life wasn't complicated enough for me yet. I have a friend that I have had some, err, interesting experiences with. She (wait, did I just say she?) and I have been friends for years, lost touch once, have come back into each others lives and very recently something happened. Now, I think most people are in university when they experiment with their sexuality, but I'm hoping to go back so no time like the present, no?;) I identify as being heterosexual but I, like many girls my age and younger, had a certain amount of curiosity. Having that experience, which I am grateful for, I can say that it's about the person, not their "bits". So, whatever that means I guess. I have always gotten along better with men than other women so perhaps my relative experiences are simply a reflection of that. But, we are still friends and it has happened more than once (which I would pass off as a aberration, but this has become something of a pattern) so I'm not too sure what to make of it. Funny enough, she too identifies as heterosexual. Slate and Star Sapphire, they both know about this but both Quartz's and Labradorite don't. I'm not a person that lies much in my day to day life (having long since established that I am truly awful at it) so it's just something that has come up with the people I talk to more. I assume that, if Smoky Quartz is true to his word and we see each other more when he's done school, he will know soon enough. Bear in mind, I have not said anything about it to titillate, though I'm sure it has that side effect, it was just more that I am friends with these people and I needed to sort it out in my own head and sometimes a sounding board is very helpful to that end. Star Sapphire and I have no expectation of monogamy as we are not in a relationship, so I felt comfortable talking to him about it.
Now, I have many other friends, but I'll have to come up with fanciful names for them as they come up. This is simply a "state of affairs" in my dating life, right now. It sounds all salacious when you put them all together, but this spans over a decade so I'm probably not as exciting as I seem! Of course, this is why I'm writing this... the past year has been oddly tumultuous. Well, we'll see what comes!
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Introduction
Alright. Where do I start? Well, I'm a woman, past her mid-twenties, at a point in her life where everything suddenly seems questionable. I hesitate to call it a mid-life crisis (that would imply that I'm mid-life, after all!) but it must be something akin to it. I am single, I am looking at going back to school, and I'm currently unemployed. As I'm sure, from that snippet, you can gather... my life is in a state of uncertainty. I'm telling myself that it's simply full of potential, but I'm doing that as a way of whistling in the dark right now. Truth is, I feel like everything is being held together by thread and spit and it has been the cause of many sleepless nights. Not to say that it's all that bad... let's break it down at this point in time.
Job: To be honest, I'm trying to find something that I can do that I can leave at my place of work, without dragging it home everyday, that has the possibility of being temporary, based on the next item in this list. Don't seem to be getting a lot of call backs from all the resumes I've put out.... trying not to take it personally, but it certainly feels like passive rejection.
School: I have applied, I am waiting for word of acceptance (trying to remain optimistic, but that's something of an unnatural state for me to maintain) and so I might be restarting in the fall.
Dating: Oy vey, dating. Umm, complicated. I suppose I should be happy or flattered that I have people interested in me. In one way I am, to be sure. But in another huge way, I am exhausted by it and think that it's much ado about nothing. I don't think I'm all that much to write home about. I like me, I think I'm reasonably cute, I just don't feel most of the time that I'm that special. I mean, I try (don't we all, really?) but I just don't know if I would pursue me if I met myself at a bookstore or something. I do find that, depending on the day, I have a certain winsome quality about myself, but it's not consistent at all! And I have this horrible habit of getting weirdly defensive the first time people try to act familiar with me. So, if you ever find yourself on a third date with me, don't be surprised if I seem a bit terse. It's really not you, it's my crazy way to vet people, to figure out if they actually want to get to know me or just want in my pants. I prefer to move sloooowly, don't go acting like we're all hot and heavy when I'm barely comfortable having you in my bubble. I'm guessing this comes from my dating history since I'm something of a serial monogamist and I prefer long relationships. Anything that doesn't even make it past a year barely counts in my book. In fact, I've been single for the longest time since my teens recently, which is sort of nice to experience and also makes me feel like maybe it's just that I'm getting intolerable to be around, or something else that's paranoid sounding. ;) It's true though, I didn't realize how much I had built on that base until it wasn't there anymore. It's not there by choice, mind you. My exes have expressed the interest in rekindling what we had... and I do intend that plurally. I suppose it must be a testament of a sort that every one I've dated for at least a few months has come back at some point to tell me that they would like to start up again. It is somewhat mitigated, however, by the fact that everyone of them was the one to break it off. I must look better in the rearview mirror! Actually, I have some lovely friends, and even a couple of the aforementioned exes, that tell me that the reason is that I am "marriage material", and sometimes people don't know how to handle that, then panic and run. I don't know, but I like to hope that's what it is. I mean, aren't I well into that age when people are doing that "marriage/kids" stuff? So, do I just have a lightening rod quality for commitment-phobes? Opposites attracting? Ha! I don't know, but you should probably never come back to read this blog again if you don't want to hear musings on dating... especially since it's about the most exciting (read: more interesting than talking about the weather and daytime TV) I've got going on.
So, why am I doing this? Well, aside from having the time to do this right now, I realized that I wanted a place to go to force honest introspection. I'm choosing to do that by imagining a group of people looking at this, looking at me, looking through me... somehow, they know if I'm trying to dress this up to be something it's not. I mean, we, everyone, is their own protagonist. I won't deny that I tend to give myself the benefit of the doubt, but I try not to. I feel like everyone is becoming less personally accountable, me included, and I need to remind myself often that I am not a nice person all the time. You know the saying, "be the change you want to see in the world"? Well, this is an attempt to do that. I named this "One Open Book" because I am just one, and I want to be brutally honest, even if it paints me in a bad light. I'd rather be an ugly, real person than a beautiful facade any day.
Then again, maybe I just want something to do while I paint my nails. You decide.
Job: To be honest, I'm trying to find something that I can do that I can leave at my place of work, without dragging it home everyday, that has the possibility of being temporary, based on the next item in this list. Don't seem to be getting a lot of call backs from all the resumes I've put out.... trying not to take it personally, but it certainly feels like passive rejection.
School: I have applied, I am waiting for word of acceptance (trying to remain optimistic, but that's something of an unnatural state for me to maintain) and so I might be restarting in the fall.
Dating: Oy vey, dating. Umm, complicated. I suppose I should be happy or flattered that I have people interested in me. In one way I am, to be sure. But in another huge way, I am exhausted by it and think that it's much ado about nothing. I don't think I'm all that much to write home about. I like me, I think I'm reasonably cute, I just don't feel most of the time that I'm that special. I mean, I try (don't we all, really?) but I just don't know if I would pursue me if I met myself at a bookstore or something. I do find that, depending on the day, I have a certain winsome quality about myself, but it's not consistent at all! And I have this horrible habit of getting weirdly defensive the first time people try to act familiar with me. So, if you ever find yourself on a third date with me, don't be surprised if I seem a bit terse. It's really not you, it's my crazy way to vet people, to figure out if they actually want to get to know me or just want in my pants. I prefer to move sloooowly, don't go acting like we're all hot and heavy when I'm barely comfortable having you in my bubble. I'm guessing this comes from my dating history since I'm something of a serial monogamist and I prefer long relationships. Anything that doesn't even make it past a year barely counts in my book. In fact, I've been single for the longest time since my teens recently, which is sort of nice to experience and also makes me feel like maybe it's just that I'm getting intolerable to be around, or something else that's paranoid sounding. ;) It's true though, I didn't realize how much I had built on that base until it wasn't there anymore. It's not there by choice, mind you. My exes have expressed the interest in rekindling what we had... and I do intend that plurally. I suppose it must be a testament of a sort that every one I've dated for at least a few months has come back at some point to tell me that they would like to start up again. It is somewhat mitigated, however, by the fact that everyone of them was the one to break it off. I must look better in the rearview mirror! Actually, I have some lovely friends, and even a couple of the aforementioned exes, that tell me that the reason is that I am "marriage material", and sometimes people don't know how to handle that, then panic and run. I don't know, but I like to hope that's what it is. I mean, aren't I well into that age when people are doing that "marriage/kids" stuff? So, do I just have a lightening rod quality for commitment-phobes? Opposites attracting? Ha! I don't know, but you should probably never come back to read this blog again if you don't want to hear musings on dating... especially since it's about the most exciting (read: more interesting than talking about the weather and daytime TV) I've got going on.
So, why am I doing this? Well, aside from having the time to do this right now, I realized that I wanted a place to go to force honest introspection. I'm choosing to do that by imagining a group of people looking at this, looking at me, looking through me... somehow, they know if I'm trying to dress this up to be something it's not. I mean, we, everyone, is their own protagonist. I won't deny that I tend to give myself the benefit of the doubt, but I try not to. I feel like everyone is becoming less personally accountable, me included, and I need to remind myself often that I am not a nice person all the time. You know the saying, "be the change you want to see in the world"? Well, this is an attempt to do that. I named this "One Open Book" because I am just one, and I want to be brutally honest, even if it paints me in a bad light. I'd rather be an ugly, real person than a beautiful facade any day.
Then again, maybe I just want something to do while I paint my nails. You decide.
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